Procrastination, and the confidence to take the first step

 Savoring simple everyday pleasures

I have come to realize, its me. I am the blockage. I am holding things up. I am making excuses- in short, I am my own worst enemy. 

While taking a walk earlier this week (school holidays- bliss) I was listening to an all-time favorite podcast- Thank you Shannon Ables, about becoming your own best friend. 

Listening to this hot on the heels of finishing the book 'The courage to be disliked', a few welcome and not so welcome home truths made themselves apparent to me: (excuses in Italics....) 

* I need to schedule time each week- preferably 5-6 days per week to concentrate on my writing (But haven't made this a genuine priority in my already full and bustling family life as a wife, mum of two and school office lady)

* I need my husband to step in and help with the editing process and the self publishing technicalities (But I'm slightly self conscious of him reading my work - even though I know he fully supports me, and I know its not a quick process and he has a lot on his plate) 

* A Genuine lack of confidence in myself. (I'm anxious about being judged, putting myself in a vulnerable position, people I know discovering its me and loosing my anonymity) 

*I truly savor and treasure the little pleasures in my everydays- as per this blogs overall intention, I get a thrill from the scent of pine trees, a beautiful sky, a daily ritual I enjoy, a freshly cleaned home, completing a to do list, a well presented home cooked meal, a considered outfit, fresh linen. (Is it enough? I admire and am truly inspired by like minded women who have become authors, who are on the same journey, who derive pleasure from many of the same things- who notice all the things that also bring me joy, but they've already done it. They are successful, published, self-sufficient, confident and experienced. Is there room for another one. Will people still enjoy what I can bring, my observations and ponderings? 

* I feel strongly, so strongly, that this is my purpose- this is what I have to give, my contribution, so why do I feel so self conscious, where is my positivity and a sprinkling of bravado? 

Every single day something, somehow speaks to me, nudges me along- a paragraph, a quote, an interview, a passage from the current literature I'm reading- the Universe persuading me that next year is too far, tomorrow may not wait, and the present is now. BEGIN. 

I am keenly aware of the present and try to always be mindful, take a step back and savor, and practice gratitude. Noticing the littlest of pleasures- when you start practicing genuine gratitude, days become instantly brighter. SO true. I try not to rush, or wish time away or too often this - things will be easier when***, Or once I've done *** I can concentrate on my writing...   As with rapidly growing daughters there's no avoiding how quickly the years pass. In the same sentiment then, what am I waiting for?

I have drafts of at least 2 books that are waiting to start the process of publishing. I very much doubt they'll be perfect, but they'll be mine. I think about it every day, all the time- from the publishing side, to the potential readers, to the illustrations, cover, binding, first order- the whole terrifyingly magic process!  it will be my first boot quaking experience of putting myself out there and being utterly open- but also, my first deeper experience of reaching further, inspiring more people to pause, to savor, to notice, and to celebrate everydays. 

Its time to put my big girl pants on. 

(No Buy Year Update: oooooh I'm struggling. So many incredible sales - mostly popping into my in box rather than me seeking them out- and I'm finding it SOOOO hard to refrain. Especially with the biggest change in seasons here from summer to winter with only a tiny fall in the upper north Island- boom and its winter! I'm working out how the wool coat at 70% off could become a mothers day gift - therefor I haven't strictly purchased it....... I really really want that coat! Its a high quality, timeless classic, well constructed and in a perfect neutral camel...... eeek!)